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I WAS TOXIC BUT I LOVED SHY TRULY

I loved her so deeply that i disappeared inside my own love

i do not usually write things like this but today i want to write honestly about myself not the good parts not the fake happy picture but the truth the truth is that i can be toxic and if i look back at my journey with Shy i can clearly see how my emotions sometimes crossed the line

this is not just about blaming myself this is about confessing accepting and trying to understand who i really am

meeting shy and how everything started

when i first started talking with shy i never imagined she would become so important in my life she was calm confident and always carried herself with grace she was stylish rich admired by many and different from me in so many ways but at the same time she was approachable soft in her words and friendly

for me she became more than just a friend she became my safe space my idol my inspiration i started calling her shy and dove because she reminded me of peace and beauty

slowly our chats became a routine we spoke about studies about safety about culture about random jokes i used to send her drafts of my writing and she listened with patience she made me feel seen and in return i gave her all the attention i had

but the problem started there

when care turns into pressure

i cared about shy so much that sometimes i forgot where to stop i wanted to talk with her all the time if she was online i wanted to message if she was offline i wanted to wait if she replied short i overthought if she was busy with others i felt jealous

i did not mean to trap her but my love sometimes felt like a chain

i asked her again and again about her feelings even though deep inside i knew she did not feel the same she tried to keep peace she avoided arguments but my heart was restless i wanted her attention like oxygen

thats when i started realising my love was pure but my behaviour was toxic

the cycle of sorry

one thing that defined me in this journey was the word Sorry

i made mistakes i overreacted i argued about small things then i apologised she forgave or at least stayed calm but after some time i repeated the same behaviour again jealousy again overthinking again a sorry

it became a cycle   mistake → sorry → repeat

i hated myself for it but i couldnt stop my emotions were too big for my own control

her calmness and my storm

what always amazed me was Shys calmness she never shouted never insulted never made things ugly she was patient even when i caused drama with my feelings she chose silence or soft words

sometimes that silence hurt me more than words i wanted her to fight back to react but she chose peace

thats where we were different she was balance and i was chaos

my dream and her memory

in between all this i often reminded her of my dream to become a doctor i wanted her to remember it maybe because i wanted to leave something behind in her memory

even if one day she forgets my words my jokes or my overthinking i wanted her to remember he wanted to be a doctor he was serious about it

it was my way of connecting my future to her even if she was not going to be part of it

why i call myself toxic

i call myself toxic not because i never loved truly but because i loved in the wrong way

  • i loved with too much intensity

  • i held on too tightly

  • i asked for more than she could give

  • i turned silence into arguments

  • i made her feel pressured even when i only wanted to care

thats what toxicity is when love stops being peaceful and starts becoming heavy

but my love was real

still i want to make one thing clear my love for shy was never fake it was real pure and deep yes it hurt yes it was painful but it was honest

behind every jealous word behind every sorry behind every long message there was only one thing love

even today if shy remembers me i hope she doesnt only remember my mistakes i hope she also remembers the boy who cared who admired her who saw her as his life 

learning to be better

now when i look back i dont just see pain i also see lessons

i learnt that love is not about holding its about letting breathe
i learnt that care should feel light not heavy
i learnt that silence doesnt always mean rejection
i learnt that people cannot fix my insecurities i have to fix them myself

most of all i learnt that even if i was toxic i can still change I do not have to stay the same

final words

yes i was toxic i overthought i pressured i apologised too much i repeated mistakes but i was also someone who loved deeply who dreamed big and who wanted nothing but closeness

shy will always be part of my story she may never feel the same for me but she shaped me she taught me patience she showed me calmness and she gave me memories i will never erase

if she ever reads this i just want her to know behind all my toxic behaviour there was always a heart that truly loved her

NOTE:-

i learned that the saddest part of one sided love is not that they never loved me but that i kept loving in a way that slowly erased myself while they stayed unchanged

-Sachin lamesh


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