MY DELUSIONAL LOVE

dieu and the boy lost in delusion

Her name is dieu

she is not trying to be special

but for me she is
just the way she talks
the way she focuses in the study room
even the way she says little jokes
it feels different to me

i do not know when it started
but i know when i realized it
it was the moment i saw her laugh at his joke
mayank's joke

that is when i knew
i am not the one she sees
still i stayed

my little world

i made my own world inside my head

in that world dieu notices me
she sees the small things i do
she smiles at me
she chooses me

but that world is not real
it is only mine
a small warm place i created
to escape the truth

this is what people call a delusion
and i live in it

the truth outside

in real life she likes mayank

i see it
i feel it
but i do not say anything
i act normal

i send a message she replies kindly
but i know that kindness is for everyone
not just me

still my heart thinks
maybe there is something more

i tell it to stop
but it does not listen

i talk to myself

sometimes i look at her messages
simple words like yes ok do not worry
but i read them like a poem
my heart adds meaning that is not really there

she says do not worry
my heart says she cares
she says yoo
my heart says she is happy to see me

but i know deep inside
she is just being nice
and i am just being foolish

delusion is not a lie

i know it is not real
but it does not feel fake

delusion is not a lie
it is a soft dream your heart creates
when reality feels too cold

i do not want to break the dream
not yet
because in that dream
i am happy
she is close
and nothing hurts

i wrote something

i wrote a story

a story about a girl named dieu
and a boy who loved her silently

he never said the words
he never asked her to love him
he just watched
cared
waited
and dreamed

that boy is me
the story is my heart

she read it

she did not say much
but she liked some parts
that was enough

i did not expect love

i did not hope for magic
i just wanted her to understand

understand this delusion
the quiet fight between heart and truth

what i really feel

it is hard to explain this feeling
i do not want to steal her from mayank
i do not want to force anything

i just wanted to exist in her world
even as a background person

that is the sad beauty of delusion
you know the ending
but still you keep watching it in your mind

and sometimes
you even smile through it

not a confession

this is not a love confession
it is not a message saying please love me

this is just me
telling the truth inside me
because hiding it hurts more

i am not asking for her heart
i am just giving her a piece of mine

final thought

dieu if you ever understand this
know that i am okay

yes i had a delusion
a quiet one
one that made my days feel less lonely

but i will never blame you
you did not give me false hope
i created it myself
with my heart
and my own foolish wish

you are still the kind focused gentle girl
and i am still the quiet boy in the corner
who once dreamed a little too much

and now
i wake up

even if she never looks back

Some people wait for a reply
Some wait for love

but me
i just wait for a moment of understanding

a moment where maybe
dieu will know

there was someone who liked me
in a quiet delusional harmless way
he never asked for anything
he just cared
that is all

and that
is my small honest truth

note ;-

i think the truth is simple it was never really about mayank but his name affected me because every time i saw dieu talking to him i felt scared scared of losing her even though she did not love anyone and just wanted to be friends with people i misunderstood everything and let my fear grow she always believed that a christian should marry a christian and i told her i am hindu i will follow my religion and you follow yours but the truth is i was so attached to her that i was even ready to become christian for her i was not trying to control her but my words and my fear made everything look wrong i was not fighting mayank i was fighting my own insecurity and nonsense fear and in that process i lost her not because of someone else but because i did not understand her properly and now i have learned something important i will not leave my values for anyone not even for dieu and i will not lose my self respect again because real love should not make you lose yourself and that is my honest truth

-Sachin lamesh