THE BEGINNING OF A DELUSIONAL LOVE

 

Part one the beginning of my delusional love 

love has a strange way of walking into our lives sometimes it arrives quietly almost unnoticed and sometimes it shakes the ground beneath our feet for me it was the second kind i never imagined that a simple friendship some ordinary conversations and a handful of shared moments would turn into a story that would define so much of my life This is the story of how i fell for jenny my dove my idol my closest friend and the one who left me with both the sweetest memories and the deepest pain

when i look back the beginning feels so innocent i was just another boy with ordinary dreams carrying the heavy weight of expectations and the desire to become something in life i wanted to be a doctor not just because of ambition but because i wanted to heal to prove myself to rise from the limits of my world jenny on the other hand was so different she had that effortless confidence that graceful presence and a way of talking that made her stand apart from everyone around her she was 148 cm tall small in height but towering in spirit and in my eyes she was perfect

the first time i truly noticed her it was not because of something extraordinary she did but because of how natural she was she did not try to impress she did not try to show off yet she shined brighter than anyone else her words carried warmth her silences carried meaning and even the way she said the simplest things made me feel like i was listening to music i used to think that beauty lies in appearances but jenny taught me that beauty lives in confidence in the way someone carries themselves and in the quiet strength behind their eyes

slowly our chats began at first they were ordinary just the kind of messages any two friends exchange small jokes study discussions little updates about the day but behind those words my heart was learning something new i realized i looked forward to her replies more than anything else i began saving her messages re reading them when i felt low and overthinking every little word she wrote if she delayed a reply my mind would run in circles if she replied quickly i would smile like a child it was a kind of attachment i had never known before

jenny though was calm she was never one to argue much never one to create drama even when i became emotional or childish in front of her she tried to maintain peace she had this maturity that made me feel both protected and small at the same time she knew i loved her she must have felt it in the way i spoke in the way i admired her in the way i called her my dove but she never mocked me never humiliated me instead she handled me with patience sometimes with distance sometimes with gentle replies

i must confess something here my love for jenny was not always easy it came with jealousy with overthinking with misunderstandings if she joined a study group without me i felt excluded if she talked to others more freely i felt insecure and yet deep inside i never wanted to cage her i only wanted her happiness my pain was not because she did something wrong but because i loved her so deeply that every small thing felt like a storm inside me

there was a moment i cannot forget she once asked me about my feelings even though she already knew i loved her that question pierced me it made me wonder why did she ask when she already knew was it curiosity was it her way of clarifying boundaries or was it her calm way of reminding me not to hope too much i still do not know all i know is that her presence in my life was enough to keep me going even when i felt helpless

in those early days i also dreamed i dreamed of becoming a doctor one day and in that dream i wanted her to remember me to remember that boy who once told her of his ambition i imagined a future where i succeeded and she would see me not as the emotional jealous confused boy but as a man who kept his word that dream kept me alive through many nights of pain

but the truth is my love was one sided she cared for me yes she respected me yes but she did not love me back the way i loved her and that is where the delusion began the belief that maybe one day she would if i just tried harder if i just stayed by her side if i just proved my worth it was never her fault she never promised me anything it was my heart that created a world where she was the center a world where her silence meant more than words and where her replies became the air i breathed

looking back now i realize that what i felt for jenny was pure but it was also painful i loved her not because of her beauty not because of her background not because of her world being richer and brighter than mine i loved her because she was jenny because she had a way of making me feel alive of teaching me patience of showing me what it means to care without expecting anything in return

part of this story is about that beginning about how a simple friendship grew into something deeper in my heart something i could not control it is about how i found my dove and how i slowly began to lose myself in her world the chapters that follow will tell how this love shaped me broke me and finally taught me the hardest lesson of all how to move on

note;-

i realised that loving deeply is not wrong but losing myself in someone who does not love me back taught me to choose my dreams my self respect and my own life first

- sachin lamesh