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The Pain I Am Still Carrying

The Day That Hurt Me the Most

 

I want to write about something that has been sitting heavy in my heart. It is not easy to talk about but maybe writing it will help me understand what I am feeling. On December 10 2025 I sent her a simple message. I told her that I wanted to leave the group because I did not want to make her uncomfortable. I thought I was doing the right thing by stepping away. I was not expecting anything from her. I only wanted peace for both of us. I wrote to her in a very calm and honest way and I thought she would understand my intention.

But her reply surprised me and broke something inside me. She said she does not want to see me and she does not want to talk to me anymore. She also said she has a boyfriend and she asked me not to follow her. When I read those words I felt a strong pain in my chest. It was a moment where everything went silent inside me. I did not know how to react because I never thought she would speak to me like that. I always respected her. I never wanted to disturb her or make her feel stressed.

I did not argue with her and I did not ask anything. I just felt empty. I wrote a long message after that but not to change her mind. I wrote it because my heart needed to say goodbye in a proper way. I told her that I will not disturb her again and I will not follow her again. I said that I respect her choice. I tried to end things in a peaceful way because I never wanted any fight or drama with her.

After sending that message the reality started sinking in. The truth is that she does not want me in her life at all. That is the part that hurts the most. It is not about her boyfriend and it is not about her moving on. It is about the fact that she wants a life where I am not present even as a normal person. That is a very painful feeling. I never asked her for anything big. I never demanded attention or love. I only wanted a small place where I could exist without causing trouble. But even that became too much for her.

I kept thinking about why my presence became a problem for her. I kept asking myself what I did wrong. I cared for her in the most genuine way. I respected her. I never wanted to stress her. But in the end I still became someone she wanted to remove completely. It feels strange and unfair but I have to accept it.

I know I cannot force anyone to stay in my life. I know she has her own peace and her own boundaries. I respect that. But it still hurts because my feelings were real. I was honest. I was loyal. I never pretended. And still I was told to go away. That kind of pain stays with you for a long time. It changes how you look at things. It makes you question yourself. It makes you feel like you were not good enough even when you tried your best.

Maybe with time this pain will become lighter. Maybe I will understand why things happened this way. But right now it still hurts. It is not easy to accept that someone you cared about does not even want to see you or talk to you anymore. It feels like a door has closed and I am standing outside with all my feelings and no place to put them.

I will move on because I have to. I will not disturb her again because I respect her choice. But the truth is I am hurting. And I think it is okay to admit that. Some moments in life break you quietly and this was one of those moments for me. I hope one day I will heal but today I just needed to write this and let the pain out.


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